Written by Glen Dawursk, Jr., September 1996
Announcer: (always italicized)
Weíll be back with more Good News after this unimportant message.
Itís new, its funny is real life and itís coming to the Box network this fall!† Itís ďBag People.Ē† A sitcom drama about real people forever lost in a world looking down.
In our first episode youíll meet the ďDowner Family.Ē† This not-so-normal family lives in a not-so-normal town with not-so-normal neighbors.
(cast starts to move back and forth)
Wait, who are we kidding, they are just like you and I.
Youíll meet the Downer ParentsÖWard and June.
(On chairs as if in a car)
June:†††††††††††††††† Why donít you just stop and ask for directions dear.
Ward: ††††††††††††† No way, I can find it myself, I donít need anybody!
Thereís the inquisitive younger daughter:
Girl:††††††††††††††††† Dad, where do we go when we die?
Ward:†††††††††††††† Well, some people say our bags are just recycled and we end up here again lost on this God forsaken planet.†††††††††††††††††††††††
Girl:††††††††††††††††† But another girl at school said she thought we could someday go uptown.
Ward:†††††††††††††† Nope.† I think when we die; we leave this hellhole for an even worse oneÖ
Girl:††††††††††††††††† You meanÖ
Ward:†††††††††††††† Thatís right honey, we simply go Ö
Thereís the inexperienced teenager son:
††††††††††† Boy 1:††††††††††††† Go ahead, just dunk your head.† Try it.† You arenít afraid are you?
Son:†††††††††††††††† But my bag will get wet and itíll stick to my face.† I wonít be able to see down.† I could die.
Boy 1:††††††††††††† So what?† You only live once, so try it youíll like it.
Son:†††††††††††††††† I just donít know what to do.††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††† ††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††††
Youíll meet Mr. & Mrs. Moper, the older couple stumbling through life next door.
(Mopers wearing wrinkled bags walk into girl)
Mr. Moper:††††† Will you kids please feel where youíre going.† In my generation, we showed respect for older people.
Girl:††††††††††††††††† Hey, I didnít walk into you.† I was here first.† Why canít you go around?
Mr. Moper:††††† No way.† This is the way Mrs. Moper and I have been walking all my life and Iím not about to change today. †So move out of the way you, you Öyou doggy bag!
Youíll be there this season, when the Downers welcome their new addition:
(June and Ward have back to audience with doll and lunch bag over head)
(J & W turn around)
Ward:†††††††††††††† June, I just donít know if we can afford another child, I thought we discussed this situation.
June:†††††††††††††††† Iím sorry Ward; I just couldnít put this baby in a trash bag.
Ward:†††††††††††††† Fine, then you deal with it.† Donít ask me for help. (Pause)
What are you going to name her anyway?
June:†††††††††††††††† I donít know.† I was thinking, maybe, Gladous, after my mother.† Then we could call her Glad Bag for short.
And you wonít want to miss the season finally when a stranger comes into town:
Boy:†††††††††††††††† Hey Dad, have you heard?† Thereís a guy saying we can take these bags off our heads if we just believe in Him.
Girl:††††††††††††††††† Really, can we do that?
Mr. Moper:††††††††††††††††† Everyone knows you canít take off your bag.† Youíre born with it, you die with it.† Itís an open and shut bag!
Dad:†††††††††††††††† I donít know son.† There are so many weirdoes out there; you just canít believe everything youíve heard anyway.
Boy:†††††††††††††††† But he seemed to care about me.† He said I could look up and someday live uptown with Him.
Girl: †††††††††††††††† Look up, really?† Can we do that?† Please Dad, can we, can we?
Dad:†††††††††††††††† No, and thatís final!† Now letís all go in the house, sit on the couch and beg for a while.
(All walk off stage except the boy)
Boy:†††††††††††††††† Iím going to take this bag off myself. (Struggles, but bag stays on)† Oh, itís no use.† I hate this bag, I hate this life.† Maybe I should just take a plastic bag and end it allÖ
Jesus:†††††††††††††† Listen, I want to tell you a mystery.
Boy:†††††††††††††††† Whoís there?
Jesus:†††††††††††††† Just a friend.
Boy:†††††††††††††††† Youíre that stranger, arenít you?
Jesus:†††††††††††††† I want to tell you a mystery.† You may not understand this, but you donít have to go Downtown when you die.† Believe in me and you will be changed.† You will see clearly.† You will have a new life!
Boy:†††††††††††††††† I just donít know.† I want to believe. (Pause)† Stranger, people say you donít have a bag.† Is that true?
Jesus:†††††††††††††† Here (helps boy take off his bag), see for yourself.
Yes, its new this season!† From the same network that brought you the comic overweight bag family, ďThe HeftyísĒ, its ďBag People!Ē† On Sunday mornings this fall, youíll not want to miss it!† Now back to our regularly scheduled service already in progress.