“Bag People”

Written by Glen Dawursk, Jr., September 1996

www.yuthguy.com

Announcer: (always italicized)

We’ll be back with more Good News after this unimportant message.

It’s new, its funny is real life and it’s coming to the Box network this fall! It’s “Bag People.” A sitcom drama about real people forever lost in a world looking down.

In our first episode you’ll meet the “Downer Family.” This not-so-normal family lives in a not-so-normal town with not-so-normal neighbors.

(cast starts to move back and forth)

Wait, who are we kidding, they are just like you and I.

You’ll meet the Downer Parents…Ward and June.

(On chairs as if in a car)

June: Why don’t you just stop and ask for directions dear.

Ward: No way, I can find it myself, I don’t need anybody!

There’s the inquisitive younger daughter:

Girl: Dad, where do we go when we die?

Ward: Well, some people say our bags are just recycled and we end up here again lost on this God forsaken planet.

Girl: But another girl at school said she thought we could someday go uptown.

Ward: Nope. I think when we die; we leave this hellhole for an even worse one…

Girl: You mean…

Ward: That’s right honey, we simply go …

Both: Downtown!

There’s the inexperienced teenager son:

Boy 1: Go ahead, just dunk your head. Try it. You aren’t afraid are you?

Son: But my bag will get wet and it’ll stick to my face. I won’t be able to see down. I could die.

Boy 1: So what? You only live once, so try it you’ll like it.

Son: I just don’t know what to do.

You’ll meet Mr. & Mrs. Moper, the older couple stumbling through life next door.

(Mopers wearing wrinkled bags walk into girl)

Mr. Moper: Will you kids please feel where you’re going. In my generation, we showed respect for older people.

Girl: Hey, I didn’t walk into you. I was here first. Why can’t you go around?

Mr. Moper: No way. This is the way Mrs. Moper and I have been walking all my life and I’m not about to change today. So move out of the way you, you …you doggy bag!

You’ll be there this season, when the Downers welcome their new addition:

(June and Ward have back to audience with doll and lunch bag over head)

(J & W turn around)

Ward: June, I just don’t know if we can afford another child, I thought we discussed this situation.

June: I’m sorry Ward; I just couldn’t put this baby in a trash bag.

Ward: Fine, then you deal with it. Don’t ask me for help. (Pause)

What are you going to name her anyway?

June: I don’t know. I was thinking, maybe, Gladous, after my mother. Then we could call her Glad Bag for short.

And you won’t want to miss the season finally when a stranger comes into town:

Boy: Hey Dad, have you heard? There’s a guy saying we can take these bags off our heads if we just believe in Him.

Girl: Really, can we do that?

Mr. Moper: Everyone knows you can’t take off your bag. You’re born with it, you die with it. It’s an open and shut bag!

Dad: I don’t know son. There are so many weirdoes out there; you just can’t believe everything you’ve heard anyway.

Boy: But he seemed to care about me. He said I could look up and someday live uptown with Him.

Girl: Look up, really? Can we do that? Please Dad, can we, can we?

Dad: No, and that’s final! Now let’s all go in the house, sit on the couch and beg for a while.

(All walk off stage except the boy)

Boy: I’m going to take this bag off myself. (Struggles, but bag stays on) Oh, it’s no use. I hate this bag, I hate this life. Maybe I should just take a plastic bag and end it all…

Jesus: Listen, I want to tell you a mystery.

Boy: Who’s there?

Jesus: Just a friend.

Boy: You’re that stranger, aren’t you?

Jesus: I want to tell you a mystery. You may not understand this, but you don’t have to go Downtown when you die. Believe in me and you will be changed. You will see clearly. You will have a new life!

Boy: I just don’t know. I want to believe. (Pause) Stranger, people say you don’t have a bag. Is that true?

Jesus: Here (helps boy take off his bag), see for yourself.

(They hug)

Yes, its new this season! From the same network that brought you the comic overweight bag family, “The Hefty’s”, its “Bag People!” On Sunday mornings this fall, you’ll not want to miss it! Now back to our regularly scheduled service already in progress.