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Part Two: “Conflict
Management and Team Ministry”
Peacemaker Ministries Approach to
Conflict Management
Glen E. Dawursk, Jr. -- www.yuthguy.com
I had been in professional church work as a teacher
or Director of Christian Education for over 21 years. During that tenure, I have witnessed a number
of conflicts within congregations, amongst staff, between churches, and within
our synod; but it did not become as significant an issue until I arrived at a
call in
In
Romans 12:18, Paul reminds us to “live at
peace with everyone.” Even more
importantly, he preceded this phrase with the words, “If it is possible as far as it depends upon you.” Paul makes a clear distinction that we
are to try and live at peace with others; but because of our sinful nature, we
are destined to have roadblocks to peace.
We are destined to have conflict.
·
A conflict is a fight between people who think or act
differently.
Peacemaker’s
defines conflict as:
·
A difference in opinion or purpose that frustrates someone’s’
goals or desires. (Peacemaker, 4)
“When faced with conflict, we tend to focus
passionately on what our opponent has done wrong or should do to make things
right. In contrast, God always calls us to focus on what is going on in our own
hearts when we are at odds with others.” (Peacemakers,
Getting to the Heart of Conflict.)
The root of conflict is expressed best in James 4:1, “What causes fights
and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within
you?” Conflict according to Romans
3:10-18 is apart of our sinful nature, our sinful desires:
As
it is written:
“There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one
who understands, no one who seeks
God.
All have turned away; they have together become worthless;
there is no one who does good, not
even one.
Their throats are open graves; their tongues practice
deceit.
The poison of vipers is on their lips.
Their mouths are full of cursing and
bitterness.
Their feet are swift to shed blood; ruin and misery mark
their ways,
and the way of peace they do not know.
There is no fear of God before their eyes.”
Satan
does not want us to be at peace; he prefers conflict. However, we have a God who loves us so much,
that He desires for us to be forgiven and set free from our sinful responses to
conflict and He has designed a means for dealing with conflict that can lead
toward real peace.
Based
upon scripture, Peacemakers identifies the “4-G’s” as the focus to conflict resolution. They also call this their “Peacemaker’s Pledge:” (Kober, 5)
1.
Glorify God:
Come with the desire to give God praise in
how you handle the situation.
2.
Get the Log out of your eye:
Evaluate the situation honestly and
seriously consider your part in the conflict process then consider things I
could do to help resolve it.
3.
Go and show your brother his fault:
Deal “one-on-one” with a person involved
in the conflict rather than opening up for public debate and determine the
proper and positive way to help the other person understand their part in the
conflict.
4.
Go and be reconciled:
Actively seek or offer forgiveness,
resolution and renewal in the relationship.
These
four simple statements are reflected throughout scripture as the means for
responsible God-intended resolution.
Unfortunately, even church people fall into the trap of not practicing
the 4-G’s. We
fail often.
In
the Peacemakers approach they use a spectrum of responses to conflict called
the “Slippery Slope” to explain how we should and should not resolve
conflict. The spectrum shaped like an
upside down half moon includes negative responses on the downsloping
ends and positive responses on the higher ground center area. The analogy of a hill with sloping sides is
appropriate when we consider our Godly, good intentions to resolve conflicts. It shows how easy it is to slip and slide
down toward the sinful and unhealthy responses to conflict. The spectrum is divided into three
categories: Escape Responses, Attack Responses, and Conciliation
Responses. Each of these categories is sub-divided
into more specific responses.
Escape Responses include denial, flight
and suicide. These are used especially when a person wants
to avoid the confrontation and the consequences of trying to resolve the
conflict.
Denial is simply denying that there is a problem or to
refuse to do what needs to be done to resolve it. The “blame game” falls under this category as
when we are in denial, we find it easier to put the responsibility and guilt on
to someone else rather than ourselves.
In the old Testament, Eli’s son’s denied their sin and refused to do
what needed to be done to resolve their conflict with God and their father (1
Samuel 2:22-25).
Flight is another escape response. This is simply running away. When I was a student at Concordia – Seward, I
took an interim animal behavior class.
There they talked about how birds have an instinctive behavior called
“flight distance.” This is where they
fly away when something enters within a comfort radius of their body. As soon as this comfort distance becomes
violated, the bird escapes to another location where they feel safe and secure
and away from what threatened them. The
problem is this escape only post-pones the issue to another time. The exception is in the case of physical
harm. If a wife is being beat-up by her
husband, she needs to escape the situation by leaving. David used flight to escape from Saul’s spear
in 1 Samuel 19:9-10.
Suicide is the last escape response. Unfortunately, “national records show that
suicide is the second leading cause of death in youth ages 10-19.” (
Denial
or blame game, flight and suicide are called “peace-faking” because they imply
that there is real peace when in reality it is a façade. Escape responses simply delay the conflict to
another time.
The second series of negative responses
are the Attack Responses: litigation, assault, and murder. These three
are used especially when the relationship is based more on competition than
reconciliation. It is less interested in
maintaining the relationship and more interested in winning the battle.
Litigation is simply taking someone to court. There are times when this may be the only way
to resolve a situation, but as a Christian, it should be the last resort. In a world bent on suing everyone, it is no
wonder that even Christians deal with their conflicts this way. Romans 13:1-5 tells us that we are to submit
to the authority He has put above us.
“Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is
no authority except that which God has established.” (Romans 13:1) Litigation may seem like the easiest because
it puts the pressure for a decision on someone else, but it usually also hurts
the relationship.
Assault is literally an attack on someone. This can be done both physically and
verbally. Often times our words are more
painful than actually beating-up on the body.
I felt this way when the board president chose to blast me and the
Coordinating Pastor. While he did not
physically attack me, his condemnation bruised my self-concept and affected how
I dealt with him in the future. Assault
also includes the gossip and slanderous statements made to others about people
we are in conflict with.
According
to Peacemakers, assault can also include a person’s use of power to “damage a
person financially or professionally.” (Peacemakers Ministries, the Peacemaker
Brochure) Stephen in Acts 6:8-15 also
experienced this assault of character, integrity, and profession. He withstood the stress put upon him by the
powerful church leaders who desired him to recant his confession of faith – and
God blessed him for his steadfast faithfulness.
Murder, like suicide is the ultimate extreme response. Murder, obviously is taking someone’s life,
but it also occurs when we have such hatred for someone that we harbor extreme
bitterness, anger and resentment toward them.
Jesus said that these feelings toward another person were as if you
committed murder (Matthew
Litigation,
assault and murder all are “peace-breaking” in that they seek to end the
conflict through brute force. They use
power to make the conflict disappear, but in reality, the conflict pattern will
simply resurrect though other relationships.
Unless the process of resolution and conflict management is dealt with
and changed, it will simply go from one person to the next and so on. The habits need to be corrected and
re-learned properly if the church staff is going to truly be a
The
last area of the Slippery Slope is the area we should desire to use. It is where “peace-making” takes place and it
is divided into two areas: Personal
Peace Making and Assisted Peace
Making. Personal Peace Making
includes: overlooking the offense, discussion and negotiation. Assisted Peace Making includes: mediation,
arbitration, and church discipline.
Overlooking an offense comes from Proverbs 19:11 where it says: “A man's
wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.” Sometimes it is simply better to say nothing
at all and ignore the offense or conflict.
This is probably one of the most difficult things to do, especially if
it is a personal attack on you or your ministry. I am not proud of the fact that I can become
defensive about my ministry when pushed into a corner. I find that youth ministry often is relegated
to lips service only and often receives no real support from church
administrators. For this reason, I have
had to often defend my ministry in order to re-focus the ministry’s potential.
Discussion is a one-on-one conversation about an issue of
concern between the two people. It is
not a public debate and does not involve a third party. Matthew 5:23-24 says: "Therefore, if you
are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has
something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go
and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.” We can not in good conscience come before the
Lord if we have a burden upon our heart.
God desires us to share our concern or confess our sin to this person
individually. Matthew
Negotiation is cooperation between the two sides and finding an
agreeable middle ground. It is being concerned for a fair resolution for both
sides. Negotiation involves being
interested in the opposing side’s issues or concerns. Philippians 2:4 reminds us that we should
“look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of
others.”
If
the church was having financial issues and a reduction in salaries was
necessary to maintain the ministry, then I would have willingly negotiated a
fair reduction in my salary; however, that was not the case.
The
Peacemakers “Pause Principle of
Negotiating” helps in the process of any negotiation, even when the
conflict is minimal. (Sande, 206)
Prepare
Affirm relationships
Understand interests
Search for creative solutions
Evaluate options objectively and reasonably
Overlooking
an offense, discussion and negotiation all can be done without any intervention
from another person. They simply require
a heart desire to repair the relationship and seek reconciliation. The next three, however, do require
assistance in the process.
Mediation continues where Matthew
Arbitration on the other hand is binding. When it becomes apparent that neither side can come to a consensus and the conflict seems
to be getting worse, then an arbitrator can be appointed to assess the issue,
listening to both sides of the conflict and render a decision. Both sides must agree that the arbitrator’s
judgment is the final verdict and the conflict resolved. Paul encouraged arbitration in 1 Corinthians
6:4, “Therefore, if you have disputes about such matters, appoint as judges
even men of little account in the church.”
Church discipline is the final section of Matthew 18. After the individual and small group approach
has failed to resolve the conflict and bring about confession, forgiveness and
reconciliation, and then Jesus outlines a final step. In verses 17-18, Jesus says, “If he refuses
to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to
the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on
earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed
in heaven.” Here Jesus gives the church
the authority to discipline the professed Christian. This could be through release from volunteer
or elected positions within the congregation or could be as extreme as
excommunication with the intent of encouraging confession, repentance and
reconciliation. It is never the intent
of the church to simply get rid of someone – rather, it is the explicit desire
of the church to shepherd the lost lamb back to the fold. Sometimes this can be
best handled through “hard love”; where the ministry sets boundaries because
they hate the sin, but still love the sinner.
The
process of conflict management for a Christian must always lead to confession
and forgiveness. Peacemaker’s created the “7
A’s of Confession” (Sande 109) to help in this process:
·
Address
everyone involved (all those whom you
affected)
·
Avoid “if, but
and maybe” (don’t try to excuse your
wrongs)
·
Admit
specifically (both attitudes and actions)
·
Apologize (express sorrow for hurting someone)
·
Accept the
consequences (such as making restitution)
·
Alter your
behavior (change your attitudes and
actions)
·
Ask
for forgiveness
For
the people offering forgiveness, there is always Satan’s temptation to not let
go of the anger and bitterness. We often
say we forgive, but have difficulty letting go of the feelings associated with
the conflict. Satan does not desire
peace. It is his sole intent to create
chaos and when we harbor feelings from conflict we allow Satan to have a
foothold on our life. When a person
sincerely asks for forgiveness, Peacemakers suggest that we abide by the “4-Promises of Forgiveness:”
(Peacemakers Ministries, The Peacemaker Brochure)
1.
I will not think about this incident.
2.
I will not bring this incident up and
use it against you.
3.
I will not talk to others about this
incident.
4.
I will not allow this incident to stand
between us or
hinder our personal relationship.
The
Peacemaker approach is to have the congregation’s ministry staff learn the process
of Biblical conflict management. Through
their workbooks and text material, they offer a plethora of situational
examples demonstrating how to apply these concepts effectively. They suggest keeping a copy of the “slippery
slope” on the desk of each ministry staff as a constant reminder of how we are
to model scripture’s example of conflict management. Needless to say, any congregation needs to
consider a means of resolution or management as conflict is inevitable. Peacemaker is a creative, non-threatening
approach to the principles of scripture church staff members say they adhere
to. Unfortunately, we are all sinful and
have allowed our sinful habits to go against our desire for Godliness – even as
church workers. Peacemakers helps a
congregation manage their conflicts, strengthen their defenses against Satan’s
attack, and focuses the process on Biblical principles. Peacemakers seeks to teach conflict
management based upon the teachings of the “real peace maker,” Jesus himself.
References
Holy Bible, New
International Version, NIV. (1984). International Bible
Society.
Kober, Ted & Sande, Ken. (1998). Responding to Conflict Confessionally, A
Peacemaker Bible Study for Lutherans.
Peacemakers
Ministries. (2003).
Basic Principals. Retrieved on
Peacemakers
Ministries. (2003).Getting to the Heart of Conflict.
Retrieved on
Peacemaker
Ministries. (1999,
February). Responding to Conflict Biblically.
Peacemakers
Ministries. (1996).The
Peacemaker Brochure.
Peacemakers
Ministries. (2003).The Peacemaker’s Pledge. Retrieved on
Sande, Ken. (1997). The Peacemaker, A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal
Conflict - Second Edition.